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Queen of Eternity
11 May 2020 @ 11:47 am

『Status || Active Journal 』

➔ Comment to be added :) ♔
Current Location: productive city
Current Mood: quixoticquixotic
Current Music: silence
Queen of Eternity
12 March 2016 @ 01:07 pm
So, hello there! It's me, sporadically updating once again since you know, I've been enjoying reading fanfiction way too much and I thought, "Hey, why not update?"

It's been such a wild ride. I look back at the journal entries when I was still in love and sigh, because that part of my life is over now. It's been over for about seven months, due to (no surprises here) a third party. I've had it with that boy, honestly. I'm actually happy I recorded some moments of it in my journal, just so I could see how bad it was. Wore me down emotionally and physically (not to mention financially) and it was overall an extremely toxic time, punctuated with a few sweet words that meant...nothing. So, a true villain in every sense of word. I'm glad R got me out of it, and after awhile I was able to distance myself from him, from my feelings for him. And now it's just smoothed over into one endless expanse of nothingness, and numbness. But I've been writing again, and cooking for myself. It's the best progress I've ever experienced.

So, while mending my heart I've just stumbled into K-Pop and found one of my favorite bands: a boy group named VIXX, who have concepts and fans that are just so amazing with story-telling and stories itself. Makes me want to delve in it as well.

I've also been working for the past six months, it's helped immensely to keep myself busy after graduating. 
Current Mood: fullfull
Current Music: District 78 - Toxic (ft. Cheesa)
Queen of Eternity
20 July 2015 @ 01:44 pm
 I've been inactive for a long, long time, haven't I? XD

Sigh...I really should update some more.
Queen of Eternity
05 September 2013 @ 09:17 am
In the small hours of dawn, my thoughts wander, weave and dip through the thoughts of all the people inside of me, the secret space between my ribcage and the basement of my brain. I don’t categorize or compartmentalize their thoughts, I don’t separate it from my own. I just let it all float in my own personal Limbo, and perhaps that, more than anything else is why I feel like a girl lost in a thunderstorm of her own creation. But I don’t regret how I chose to do things. In the Druid practice, the Word is important, and it carries weight and magic.

By being confused and admitting to not understanding many things, I open myself to possibilities that before, were only closed. I am not slow. This is my path and things are revealed to me at a pace I can understand and consider, because I am a slow learner with great deposits of luck.

It just gets harder to bear every single day. If the person you love is right in front of you, there are times when you just can’t contain yourself. Hearts beat harder, time escapes me, trembling hands touch skin. It makes this harder and the tears stream down my face. If we could only have this time for one more day, if we could only turn back time…then I would have done things differently. I wouldn’t have waited so long to ask for your name, and I would have done things with more bravery and less idiocy. I would have opened my heart a little more and my mouth a lot less, and heard my friends without listening.

I’m used to expertly hiding my feelings with a veneer of indifference and a smile so glossy it just might be picture-perfect. Through my eyes, the world is separated into the shallow and the deep: coral reefs and colorful fish swim through the shallow, sunny waters, with even more beautiful (yet dangerous) sea creatures expertly slicing through the cold like a knife through chocolate cake.

Love is when, even during the biggest fights, you never think of breaking your relationship. There is always a way to fix it, whether you choose to give each other space, throw plates, dragons and what-have-you at each other, but at the end of the day, that person is still the only one you want to sleep next to, the only one you wish to wake up with in the morning. It’s when everyone seems to want to keep you two apart, there are always ways for you to see each other.

I’m exhausted because I keep fighting against the people that keep telling me you aren’t any good for me, and that just makes me want to be here even harder. I’m not in an abusive anything, it’s just me and my penchant for over-thinking. I am trying to put some space between myself and the group hiding inside the botanical garden of the university—and maybe going to use this to find more things to fuel my life, my loves, my passions. And I should stop seeking advice because obviously, it’s just going to make me resent these people even more (when I’m pretty sure all they want to do is to help me.)

From all of this, I found that my best friend is the one who simply lets me do what I like…because I do the same with them. And majority of the time, whenever I ask questions repeatedly, it’s only because I want the questions to be released from inside of me..I don’t want answers…because how will I ever know the answer, if it doesn’t come from that person directly? I’m a direct, straightforward kind of person. I don’t understand subtle signals. They don’t work for me. I’m pretty sure my persona understands my situation, because she was in a similar thing.
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Queen of Eternity
01 September 2013 @ 02:18 am
being a feminist and talking like you're a feminist are two different things.

And I can sense bullshit from a mile away.

Just wait until the day I can play your games, because honey. I'd dominate that playing board, no problem.
Queen of Eternity
30 August 2013 @ 11:19 pm
"The happier the person, the larger the possibility that his or her mask is quite thick."

Intuitive eyes make me feel depressed rather than joyful. I've always thought it was normal to look at a joyful person and know instantly that they're carrying cartloads of emotional baggage. It's nothing new, but I try to look past the baggage and just focus on the present. What happened was that my reading of body language, of seeing the minute details gradually dulled. There has always been a reason for my need of silence; and that was to observe. Observe and feel the pulse on the wrist, a hug speaking volumes of a half-hidden heart. But those senses have dulled, and the process of regaining these old skills is something I have to renew.

I'm a Taurus with Aquarius ascendant, which means I really am more of a Sagittarius in restlessness and travel than I thought. I don't mind lying, and I'm always content with half-truths and lying by omission. It's part of my trade as a fox, after all. It's what I'm used to doing, what I end up doing and what I'll be doing every day of my mortal life. It's rare to get the full truth out of me, except if I truly care or I truly need you.

I find myself difficult to love, and so am not surprised that very few people can stand me, really.

But this isn't about me: it's about the people I am in regular contact with, my hair-trigger temper and my wish for all the things I see and feel to be correct.

Because if there's one thing I can't stand, it's wishful thinking, and wish-fulfillment because of a placebo effect.
Current Mood: restlessrestless
Current Music: Papa Jack & Chico Loco on TLC
Queen of Eternity
17 May 2013 @ 06:50 pm
Taurus woman.

She is a slim, moderately tall woman with square facial structure, and high cheek bones. Taurus woman is a funny and happy person. Her round big eyes sparkle with wit and curiosity. You will not see many round faces Taurus women, and mainly she will have a strong jaw line. She is a constantly changing person. If she gets upset, she will not show it and will keep it to herself for a long time, and will remember it very well.
Read more...Collapse )
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: mellowmellow
Current Music: Maroon 5: One More Night
Queen of Eternity
03 May 2013 @ 03:54 pm
Birth Chart

This birth chart report shows the positions of the planets for Denise Ann Villamor .

The Sun represents vitality, a sense of individuality and outward-shining creative energy.

Sun in Taurus

Short description:

She is strong-willed. She has charm, and is tolerant and stoical. She likes pleasure and the good things in life. Appreciates the Arts.

Weaknesses: obstinacy, laziness. She can be materialistic.
Huge wall of text, all about me~Collapse )

birth chart: get yours here
Current Location: desert heat
Current Mood: pleasedpleased
Current Music: hum of the aircon
Queen of Eternity
30 April 2013 @ 01:56 pm
I really want a Samsung Galaxy tablet. I mean...my brother received a Samsung Galaxy S4 for free because he just used our parents' free phone plan...they get an upgrade if they keep using the line for a set number of years. What ticks me off is his reasons, telling that it's because he "graduated" and that he "got into Ateneo."

When I want something, it's usually denied to me or I'm forced to get something I don't really like. I mean, all I want is to use my brother's old phone (which isn't even his, I was planning to use it but he got to use it because he got his phone stolen. I hate him so much.) and he STILL won't let me use it until later tonight. I hate him. I can be patient but he is just ridiculous.

If I don't get a tablet for my birthday I am going to kill them. My friends are stressing me out and I just want one day wherein I'm not stressed anymore, where nothing bad happens to other people and where I can just be with my master.
Current Location: Paris
Current Mood: irritatedirritated
Current Music: Yumeiro Patissiere Ep 40
Queen of Eternity
17 April 2013 @ 03:05 am
“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.”
― Chuck Palahniuk

I have been made, unmade, and made again so many times at I’ve lost count of the selves I- And then never a little sister, never that totem that the other Alphas crave to at least keep them focused. But for me, I was a tool that didn’t work, and my own creation had to save me, bring me to something.

What have I been brought to, now?

perdita_psyche and I text when there's time for her to rest and when I can dig out some extra-strength happiness (it's administered to me in unicorn-shaped doses) so I won't be reminded of my own situation. Then again, my situation is extra-special, in the sense that it falls in between "I don't matter" and "You're everything but I won't tell you that." That's why the blog is here, of course. To listen to my whining and my feelings (especially when others could use a break.)

I don't like this point I'm currently in, where I'm steeped in caring far too much than what's appropriate or healthy. I wonder why I can't completely shake the people-pleasing part of me. I'm wondering if being in love with a memory, with a thousand memories and a very limited box of cyberspace is even worth it. I'm strong, but I have my limits. With enough time, water can wear down stone.

Pain comes in the form of uncertainty and no reassurance, and I have to accept that. I've left people that were uninteresting and refused to change, and I've grown apart with people I was once close with and half-forgotten in timezones and other countries. That's why I like damaged characters that suffer and make their hearts cold and hard--and then there's you, you who just wants to do what's right or to wreak as much havoc and chaos as a game's boundaries will allow you--who comes along and slowly defrosts them as you play through the main storyline.

I want to do that; I strive to be the kind of person who can harden themselves to the point of brushing off people that live to insult them or follow their shadow just to be a constant, unshakable annoyance. Inconsistency is not fun, it's irritating and painful as fuck, knowing that today might just be the last pleasurable night before tomorrow starts to burn.

I'm a queen that has to live with the possibility that there is no king. There is nothing to protect except what is in front of me; what is around me--and even then, they may turn on me and leave me impossibly cold and alone.

I may not get physically ill, but my emotional and mental scars are everywhere. But I've gone down this route so many times that my shoeprints are embedded onto the road...and the end is misty, hazy and nowhere in sight. Do you know how many times I've wished for all the anxiety, the confusion to end? And when I have my moments of clarity wherein all in the world is right and balance is restored--the world throws me a curveball. I already have to deal with him not being there, of climbing steps until I get back to where I previously was--and I, as always, don't know if this is what I'm supposed to be doing.

Evidence is everywhere but it's always so contradictory--and while I do think that this is amusing, there has to be a point where I will get tired of this, or a point wherein a decision has to be made. Mostly I just want him to be the kind of person that won't judge me for talking. That he would be the kind of person who would just say nothing and hug me and just let the tears flow.

But I know he is a coward and that I will end up walking my long, hard road until I'm saved. But even if someone offered me an out, I wouldn't want to because I've worked so hard--and now I'm even farther away than I was before. I was contented and happy being with him. No one else wants him as much as I do, even if I know that he's no good for me the way he is now. But until these feelings are here, I'm left with no alternative but to let it continue.

I should go to sleep...
Current Location: Cirque du Coeur
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Deadline Circus - Wotamin x Pokota x 96neko