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05 September 2013 @ 09:17 am
Mixed Bag of Thoughts  
In the small hours of dawn, my thoughts wander, weave and dip through the thoughts of all the people inside of me, the secret space between my ribcage and the basement of my brain. I don’t categorize or compartmentalize their thoughts, I don’t separate it from my own. I just let it all float in my own personal Limbo, and perhaps that, more than anything else is why I feel like a girl lost in a thunderstorm of her own creation. But I don’t regret how I chose to do things. In the Druid practice, the Word is important, and it carries weight and magic.

By being confused and admitting to not understanding many things, I open myself to possibilities that before, were only closed. I am not slow. This is my path and things are revealed to me at a pace I can understand and consider, because I am a slow learner with great deposits of luck.

It just gets harder to bear every single day. If the person you love is right in front of you, there are times when you just can’t contain yourself. Hearts beat harder, time escapes me, trembling hands touch skin. It makes this harder and the tears stream down my face. If we could only have this time for one more day, if we could only turn back time…then I would have done things differently. I wouldn’t have waited so long to ask for your name, and I would have done things with more bravery and less idiocy. I would have opened my heart a little more and my mouth a lot less, and heard my friends without listening.

I’m used to expertly hiding my feelings with a veneer of indifference and a smile so glossy it just might be picture-perfect. Through my eyes, the world is separated into the shallow and the deep: coral reefs and colorful fish swim through the shallow, sunny waters, with even more beautiful (yet dangerous) sea creatures expertly slicing through the cold like a knife through chocolate cake.

Love is when, even during the biggest fights, you never think of breaking your relationship. There is always a way to fix it, whether you choose to give each other space, throw plates, dragons and what-have-you at each other, but at the end of the day, that person is still the only one you want to sleep next to, the only one you wish to wake up with in the morning. It’s when everyone seems to want to keep you two apart, there are always ways for you to see each other.

I’m exhausted because I keep fighting against the people that keep telling me you aren’t any good for me, and that just makes me want to be here even harder. I’m not in an abusive anything, it’s just me and my penchant for over-thinking. I am trying to put some space between myself and the group hiding inside the botanical garden of the university—and maybe going to use this to find more things to fuel my life, my loves, my passions. And I should stop seeking advice because obviously, it’s just going to make me resent these people even more (when I’m pretty sure all they want to do is to help me.)

From all of this, I found that my best friend is the one who simply lets me do what I like…because I do the same with them. And majority of the time, whenever I ask questions repeatedly, it’s only because I want the questions to be released from inside of me..I don’t want answers…because how will I ever know the answer, if it doesn’t come from that person directly? I’m a direct, straightforward kind of person. I don’t understand subtle signals. They don’t work for me. I’m pretty sure my persona understands my situation, because she was in a similar thing.
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful