― Chuck Palahniuk
I have been made, unmade, and made again so many times at I’ve lost count of the selves I- And then never a little sister, never that totem that the other Alphas crave to at least keep them focused. But for me, I was a tool that didn’t work, and my own creation had to save me, bring me to something.
What have I been brought to, now?
perdita_psyche and I text when there's time for her to rest and when I can dig out some extra-strength happiness (it's administered to me in unicorn-shaped doses) so I won't be reminded of my own situation. Then again, my situation is extra-special, in the sense that it falls in between "I don't matter" and "You're everything but I won't tell you that." That's why the blog is here, of course. To listen to my whining and my feelings (especially when others could use a break.)
I don't like this point I'm currently in, where I'm steeped in caring far too much than what's appropriate or healthy. I wonder why I can't completely shake the people-pleasing part of me. I'm wondering if being in love with a memory, with a thousand memories and a very limited box of cyberspace is even worth it. I'm strong, but I have my limits. With enough time, water can wear down stone.
Pain comes in the form of uncertainty and no reassurance, and I have to accept that. I've left people that were uninteresting and refused to change, and I've grown apart with people I was once close with and half-forgotten in timezones and other countries. That's why I like damaged characters that suffer and make their hearts cold and hard--and then there's you, you who just wants to do what's right or to wreak as much havoc and chaos as a game's boundaries will allow you--who comes along and slowly defrosts them as you play through the main storyline.
I want to do that; I strive to be the kind of person who can harden themselves to the point of brushing off people that live to insult them or follow their shadow just to be a constant, unshakable annoyance. Inconsistency is not fun, it's irritating and painful as fuck, knowing that today might just be the last pleasurable night before tomorrow starts to burn.
I'm a queen that has to live with the possibility that there is no king. There is nothing to protect except what is in front of me; what is around me--and even then, they may turn on me and leave me impossibly cold and alone.
I may not get physically ill, but my emotional and mental scars are everywhere. But I've gone down this route so many times that my shoeprints are embedded onto the road...and the end is misty, hazy and nowhere in sight. Do you know how many times I've wished for all the anxiety, the confusion to end? And when I have my moments of clarity wherein all in the world is right and balance is restored--the world throws me a curveball. I already have to deal with him not being there, of climbing steps until I get back to where I previously was--and I, as always, don't know if this is what I'm supposed to be doing.
Evidence is everywhere but it's always so contradictory--and while I do think that this is amusing, there has to be a point where I will get tired of this, or a point wherein a decision has to be made. Mostly I just want him to be the kind of person that won't judge me for talking. That he would be the kind of person who would just say nothing and hug me and just let the tears flow.
But I know he is a coward and that I will end up walking my long, hard road until I'm saved. But even if someone offered me an out, I wouldn't want to because I've worked so hard--and now I'm even farther away than I was before. I was contented and happy being with him. No one else wants him as much as I do, even if I know that he's no good for me the way he is now. But until these feelings are here, I'm left with no alternative but to let it continue.
I should go to sleep...